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  Copyright © 2019 by Harloe Rae, LLC

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the copyright owner and the publisher listed above, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or purely coincidental.

  Cover Artist: BookCoverKingdom (www.bookcoverkingdom.com)

  Photographer: Rafa G Catala

  Cover Model: Adrian Pedraja

  Formatting: Champagne Book Design

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT

  NOVELS BY HARLOE RAE

  DEDICATION

  PLAYLIST

  EPIGRAPH

  ABOUT THIS BOOK

  PROLOGUE

  CHAPTER ONE

  CHAPTER TWO

  CHAPTER THREE

  CHAPTER FOUR

  CHAPTER FIVE

  CHAPTER SIX

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  CHAPTER NINE

  CHAPTER TEN

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  EPILOGUE

  BONUS EPILOGUE

  WHAT TO READ NEXT

  MORE TITLES FROM HARLOE RAE

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Reclusive Standalones

  Redefining Us

  Forget You Not

  #BitterSweetHeat Standalones

  GENT

  MISS

  LASS

  Total Standalones

  Watch Me Follow

  Ask Me Why

  BREAKER

  This book is dedicated to Heather, Kate, and K.K.

  For all the love, laughs, and unforgettable moments.

  Thanks for being my beeches.

  “Let Me Love the Lonely” by James Arthur

  “More Hearts Than Mine” by Ingrid Andreas

  “Love Runs Out” by OneRepublic

  “Fearless” by Kat Perkins

  “The Kill” by Thirty Seconds to Mars

  “Till the Sun Comes Up” by Gavin James

  “Can I Be Him” by James Arthur

  “If We Never Met” by John.K

  “Secret Love Song” by Little Mix

  “If You’re Over Me” by Years & Years

  “Let It Be” by Imaginary Future

  “Better” by Parachute

  “You & Me” by James TW

  “Stand By You” by the Pretenders

  Listen on Spotify here

  My heart is in the stars,

  Beyond reach and reason.

  He will never be mine,

  And I will never love another.

  —Sutton Olsen

  “Tell me a happy something, Sutton.”

  I was only seven the first time Grady Bowen whispered those words to me. Cloaked by the black sky under a blanket of stars, it was easy to get lost. He didn’t have any good memories of his own and needed to borrow mine. I would willingly give him anything.

  Being infatuated with that boy was a beautiful curse. What could have been special didn’t get the chance to bloom. He’d never see me as more than his best friend’s kid sister. That was a hard lesson to learn, but not the most difficult.

  Grady had always been struggling against the odds. Eventually he quit fighting and let his family’s reputation own him. Try as I might, those influences were beyond my reach.

  He didn’t mean to break my heart. Or maybe he did. I shouldn’t have made it so easy for him. Either way, our wrongs against each other carved new lines between us.

  I went four years without seeing Grady—each one more painful than the last. That distance did nothing to dull my feelings toward him. But things are different now. Most noticeably is Grady. I barely recognize this man he’s become. And that’s the way he intends to keep it. Not that it really matters.

  Grady Bowen stopped being my happy something long ago.

  Happy something #8: I love when clouds are extra puffy and big in the clear blue sky. It’s fun to find animals in random shapes.

  Wet blades of grass tickle my ankles while I sneak across the darkened yard. The squish of my flip-flops is the only sound aside from occasional crickets serenading me. My sandals slide along the dew and I almost stumble to the ground. Slowing my haste would be wise, but I can’t allow reason to settle in. I’m already a short second away from losing my nerve.

  The full moon watches my every slinky move. I keep my chin tucked to avoid the admonishment. But any attempt to escape the scorn is in vain. Every slight touch from the manicured lawn is a whispered warning.

  This is a mistake.

  Turn around.

  He doesn’t want you.

  But I don’t listen. Not this time. I’ve been ignoring my feelings for years. Tonight feels like my final chance. The only one I’ll get, and the most vital. My heartbeat pounds faster with each hurried step. I wipe the sweat from my palms and pick up the pace. A single hanging light flickers above the front door. The low shine illuminates my target destination. I push forward, rushing to close the remaining distance.

  The guesthouse is pitch black when I step inside. I don’t bother turning on a lamp. I’ve memorized the path to his room over the years. His door is already ajar and I nudge it open wider. Moonlight filters in through the window, bathing the small space with a natural glow. I’ve never been more thankful for his lack of curtains.

  Grady is sleeping on his back, granting me a clear view of his naked torso. Cut lines of muscle define his abs and chest. One strong arm is tossed over his face, shutting out the worry from sight. It gives me permission to continue my lazy perusal of him. A white sheet is draped low on his hips. I draw in a shaky breath and glance over his covered lower half. My imagination runs wild while feasting on the possibilities of what’s hiding underneath. His soft snores carry over to me as I linger by the wall. The quiet noise beckons me to him.

  My stomach twists to the point of pain. I wince at the sting, but shuffle closer. Another slew of caution slams into me. This feels like an invasion, but that still doesn’t stop me. The floorboard creaks and Grady snaps awake. He sits up, scanning the room with wide eyes. His gaze narrows when he lands on me hovering just out of reach. The need to breathe burns my lungs, yet I remain frozen.

  “What the fuck, Sutton?” His growl sends chills up my spine.

  I knot my fingers together. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  But that’s a lie. He needs to be coherent for this to go the way I hope. Being willing and agreeable are also important. I swallow down the bubbling nerves in a rough gulp.

  “Why are you in my room?”

  I almost wither under the intensity of Grady’s stare. His green eyes gleam in the near darkness. I imagine
their emerald color luring me under an unbreakable spell. The golden specks swirling within will smolder from the effort. I clear the dryness from my throat. “I, uh, wanted to see you.”

  “In the middle of the fucking night? There better be a damn good reason.” The threat in his voice rings out, but I ignore it.

  I study his stern expression, taking precious moments to peel away the hardened layers. Grady’s eyelids are heavy with the remaining threads of sleep. Thick stubble coats his sharp jaw. Dark blond hair hangs over his forehead in messy clumps. His rumpled state makes him more desirable. That’s a problem I don’t need help with. I long to feel the rasp of his calloused hands over every smooth inch of me. The slight burn would surely set me ablaze.

  Doubt creeps in the longer I stall on him. This boy has been through hell. Why am I considering adding more unnecessary drama to his plate? A hollow pang in my heart answers the rhetorical question. I can count on two hands the days we’ve gone without seeing each other. Tomorrow will change all that. I’m not ready for goodbye.

  After a decade, the memory of how we met is getting fuzzy. Grady stumbled onto our property late one night. He ran to our house under the midnight sky and hid from the horrors that occurred at his home. If the walls of his trailer could talk, I’m sure they’d scream. Grady is broken and battered, abandoned by those meant to love him the most. But I’ve never let him down. Maybe he’ll learn to rely on me one day.

  Either way, he’s an honorary member of our family. We welcomed him with open arms and never let go. Grady and my older brother have been best friends since they were nine. He’s unknowingly been the love of my life that entire time. If only he’d admit to feeling a fraction of the same. Or I had the guts to tell him.

  Grady shifts on his bed. The squeak of springs drags my attention out of our past. I need to be focusing on the future. When I lift my gaze, he’s still glaring at me. The desire to flee wobbles my knees. My courage is diminishing with each passing moment. This entire ambush will be a waste if I don’t spit my intentions out. Crossing the line is up to me. I clench my eyes shut and let the words spill free.

  “I want you to take my virginity.”

  Grady is silent for a few beats. I peel my lids open, watching the stacks of muscle in his shoulders flex with harsh breaths. The knot in my chest pulls tighter. My offering dangles in the few feet separating us. He just needs to reach out and grab me. But his lips pull into a sneer.

  “Are you fucking joking?”

  I cringe at his foul language. Grady’s tongue has always been sharp. Even more so lately, especially with me. “No,” I whisper. “I’m very serious.”

  “Go home, Sutt. We’re not discussing this.”

  “Why?”

  A tic of strain pops in his jaw. “Because I say so.”

  “Doesn’t it matter what I want?”

  “Has it ever?”

  The answer is no. A loud, resounding boom meant to deter. But I don’t hear it. I’ve been waiting all of my teenage years for this moment. I’m not letting it slip away.

  “Just once. No one has to know.”

  His eyes flash with a streak of lightning. “How fucking nice. I can be your shameful secret. No fucking thanks. Find someone else to slum it with.”

  I almost smack my forehead. How could I be so dense? “That’s not what I meant, Gray.” This is not going according to plan. I lick my lips and search for a different route. “I want you, and always have. I’ve saved myself for you. My first time is meant to be with you.”

  Grady flops onto his bed with a groan. “People accuse me of doing a lot of bad shit, but I’ve never been a thief. I’m not stealing your fucking cherry, Sutton.”

  I’m shaking my head before he’s done talking. Heat crawls up my chest and neck, but I’m already buried too far. “But I want to do this with you. It has to be you.”

  He scrubs a palm over his face. “Don’t do this desperate act. Give yourself to a man who’s deserving.”

  “I’m looking at him.” This wall between us needs to crumble. I step out of my soggy flip-flops and instantly feel more at home. If I reach forward, my hand will skim his blankets. It’s been years since I’ve felt the comfort—albeit platonic—of his arms. I curl my toes into the carpet at being this close again.

  Grady glares at the ceiling. “Seriously. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself, but I will. Go home, Sutt.”

  “Please, Gray.” The two words trickle off my trembling lips.

  His scoff echoes around the dark room. “Begging is far beneath you, Sutt. Keep that silver spoon in your mouth.”

  That has me clacking my teeth together. “Don’t be an asshole.”

  “Then don’t force my hand. Go back to your side of the fence. You don’t belong in these bunks.”

  Something dark flips inside of me. “This is my property. I have every right to be here.”

  He grunts into a clenched fist. “Don’t need another reminder of who reigns.”

  The strength that brought me here is beginning to crack under his pressure. But a lingering spark ignites when I catch him staring at me. Grady rarely looks my way for longer than a casual glance. But the privacy of his bedroom is proving to make a difference. He doesn’t conceal the way his eyes skitter across my exposed skin. There’s unmasked hunger waiting for me there. That gives me a much needed confidence boost.

  It’s not an accident that I’m wearing a daringly low-cut shirt. The hem of my skirt is a few inches too short. Am I acting desperate like he claims? No doubt. Do I care about being the one pursuing this? Not in the slightest. Am I worried about being rejected? More than I care to admit. But that fear doesn’t hinder me.

  “Did you know that I’m leaving tomorrow?” I catch a brief glimmer of shock register across Grady’s features. A twitch snags his eyebrow. His throat bobs with a heavy swallow. He rolls his gaze off mine, avoiding the truth. If I hadn’t been standing so close, watching his every move, the reaction would be missed.

  “And your point?” It appears he’s choosing to address the wall.

  “I’ll be gone. We won’t see each other anymore.” I hold my breath while waiting for more honesty to show.

  Grady’s lips tighten. “So, you came for a farewell fuck?”

  I wrinkle my nose. “Must you be so crass?”

  “Don’t act like this is a new development.” His tone is flat and stiff.

  I rub my temples. I’m beginning to see the massive error in my ways. But my heart is stubborn. “I always wanted things to be different between us.”

  “Sorry to disappoint.” His tone reveals he’s anything but.

  I’m already waist deep. Why not wade a bit further? “It’s not too late, Gray. I’m here now. This is what I’ve been waiting for.”

  “Wait longer. You’re still a fucking kid, Sutt.”

  “I’m eighteen. Only two years younger than you.”

  He waves off my words. “Age is just a number. You’re sheltered as fuck. Get out and experience the world before shackling yourself to the gutter. Get outta here before Jace finds you missing.”

  Rather than retreat, I erase the remaining distance to his bed. “I don’t care about my brother.”

  Grady’s snort resembles a bull. “I sure as shit do.”

  Of course he does. They might as well be related by blood, not just sentiment. Defeat appears in two large boulders weighing my shoulders down. He won’t budge, no matter how hard I push. A seed of nostalgia plants itself in my mind. I find myself changing tactics as a last-ditch effort. “Tell me a happy something, Gray.”

  His chuckle is empty. “Nah, we’re too old for that shit. But nice try. Don’t have any spare joy to share.”

  I blink at the unshed tears slowly building momentum. I want to scream at him. Demand that he forgets the pain and anger for one second to see what’s standing right in front of him. But I force the fire down. “Want me to tell you one?”

  “Won’t change my mind.”

  I glance away to
hide my wobbling lip and wet lashes. “Will you at least hold me for a bit? Like you used to during storms?”

  “Sutt—”

  “Please, Grady. I never ask for anything from you.” I scoot forward until my legs bump the mattress.

  With a resigned sigh, he opens his arms. “All right, fine. Five minutes, then you’re going home. C’mere.”

  I nod and quickly cuddle into his side. He smells of a hardworking man, that familiar mix of motor oil and fresh hay. I snuggle deeper while inhaling the scent of my dreams. “Remember the first happy something I gave you?”

  Grady nods, his chin ghosting across my forehead. He doesn’t protest while I tug us along some pleasant highlights. I fill the chilly silence with sunny chatter. Grady doesn’t add to the conversation, keeping it one-sided. It’s probably for the best. Nothing he shares lately is good.

  My five minutes loop several times before I run out of steam. We’re stuck at a fork in the road. Sad as it might be, I find myself turning in the direction that leads away from him. “I’ll miss you, Gray.”

  A rumble rises off his chest. “Yeah? Try forgetting me while you’re at it. You’ll be better off.”

  I don’t bother responding. With that final blow, a gate slams shut between us. The clang ripples through me, solidifying what I’ve been trying to deny. This is the end of us. But this has always been the story of a girl desperately in love with a boy. Irrevocably and unrequited.

  I’m ready to leave these well-worn pages behind.

  Happy something #54: Setting a goal, only to reach and surpass it.

  I drop my cap into the box and fold up the matching gown. The maroon polyester slides across my fingers with a quiet whoosh. Another chapter of my life is coming to a close, welcoming new opportunities and adventures. That’s what I keep telling myself about graduating college. If I’m being completely honest, the last four years raced by in a blur.